A Reason for the Word "B*tch"

A Chat About Ex-girlfriends
By Ms. Gingerbread & Dr. Hoz

Gingerbread:
There are a few things in this world that can bring out the sailor in me. Bad drivers. A poorly coached football game. And crazy, jealous, manipulative ex-girlfriends. I have tried many, many times to understand the ex-girlfriend frame of mind. After all, I myself am someone’s ex-girlfriend. It should be relatively easy to break down the emotions that a poor, unstable little girl is having with regard to my current love interest. After all my thinking, I just can’t nail down why the crazy b*tches just don’t let it go.

Dr. Hoz:
There is a reason for the EX in front of girlfriend. It means FORMER. In the PAST. NO LONGER. Which means, when you see your ex with a new girl (who is way prettier than you ever thought about being and who is not deranged) chill out, take a deep breath. Then realize life just isn't fair. Go jump off a bridge and make the world a better place for us all.

Gingerbread:
Amen. We all date and break up and cry and wallow for a while, but then we get over it. We pick up our baggage and move on to the next destination.

Dr. Hoz:
I'm sure that when a girl sees her ex-boyfriend with a new girl, her stomach twists in a thousand knots and her head starts to spin. She ponders on what to smart off. But before you let it all out in a fit of rage, let me just give a tidbit of advice. I'm sure Gingerbread would agree with me on this one: To all you crazy EX-girlfriends out there, DON'T come up with a frivolous statement like this: "Hey, Girls, have fun with my leftovers tonight." Well, let me put it to the crazy EX-girlfriends like this. He's not yours anymore. He's free for the taking. Thank you for the leftovers. They are MIGHTY good and the NEW girl will enjoy them, not just tonight, but for many nights to come. Face it. He's just "not that into you" anymore. If he were, he'd still be with you. If you still don't understand...you're the infamous EX-girlfriend, and as N’SYNC once said "Bye Bye Bye."

Gingerbread:
I completely agree. If everything was so fan-freaking-tastic when you two were an item, then why the f*** are you exiled to EX-dom? It’s because you are a psychotic, over-medicated crazy person that needs mommy to do your dirty work. You know, Hozzle, I hate letting these chicks raise my blood pressure. I’m sure I know what I’d do if I did happen to get thrown into the same room with this insane sapling rather than give her the a** kicking she so righteously deserves: I’d smile. I’d be polite. Chat her up even. Throw out some of those passive-aggressive, back-handed compliments like, "That’s an interesting outfit… It’s so… different."

Hoz:
Just know...the grass is greener on the other side. Now that your ex has moved on to someone much more deserving of his love and affection than you ever were, you're green with envy. What did you expect? For no girl to ever realize how extremely cute and hilarious this guy is? Not to mention his impeccable ability to strum his beautiful manly fingers across the strings of his guitar that he holds so closely to his chest to make amazingly gorgeous music. Your loss, honey. Thanks for breaking his heart. The new girl is there to put together the pieces, and we will have a fabulous time doing so.

Gingerbread:
Yes, absolutely. Might I add that third-party involvement in disputes is usually reserved for celebrities and politicians. And you (yes, you the doped little c**k tease – I’d say something like "weiner tease" to be clean, but it just sounds so corny!) are nowhere near special enough or smart enough to deserve it. I know you must be certifiably nuts if you threw away a person that is so genuine and focused. It’s too late to dumpster dive and expect to find him there.

Hoz:
Crazy EX-girlfriends, put the phone down. Don't call your ex demanding to know if you're crazy or not. You are. You're in fact the craziest ex-girlfriend of them all. You don't really know what's going on in his life anymore. Just know that he's happy. That girl he's hanging out with now probably makes him laugh so much. :) Don't you want him to be happy? That's what I thought. It will be okay. Time marches on and you'll find someone equally as crazy as you and you will find a mutually satisfying happy place. Just leave your ex alone. Cya!! In my closing statement, I'd like to add that I've had a wonderful time collaborating my thoughts and ideas on this project with Gingerbread. She's a very intelligent and respected individual.
Remember take care of yourself, and each other. :)

Gingerbread:
Thank you, Hoz. It’s been very gratifying to explore this interesting, enigmatic, and ultimately unanswerable topic with you as well. Ladies (and guys, I guess), why should EX-es frustrate us so? They are EX-es. Emphasis on the EX. We should love the EX-es. They have given us what could be the greatest thing to ever happen to us. If it weren’t for the ex, he wouldn’t be who he is: a beautiful, thoughtful, funny, intelligent, overall wonderful person. The bottom line will have to be this: Don’t get bogged down with the baggage… especially when it’s not even your baggage. Thank you. Thank you for delivering him straight to me…
…b*tch.